The Curvy girls guide to life

Are you curvy? Are your hips larger than your waist? Do you have...ahem...fuller thighs? Are you less Aniston and Paltrow and more Mansfield and Monroe?

Me, too, I'm a curvy girl (CG). Boobs, hips, legs, arms, and even the little post-navel puche. (That's french for pooch.) I am all girl, and not in a million years could I put on a tie and use macara for a moustache and be taken for a guy. And, I'm ok with that. In fact, I might go so far as to say that 99 days out of 100 I love my curves, and if love is a strong word, the curves and I are great friends.

That 100th day, you ask? A day spent shopping for jeans.

Jeans have been my best friend and worst enemy for as long as I can remember. I was elated when jeans became "dress-up-able." I think they look as fab dyed dark and worn with spiky heels as they do destructed with flip-flops. However, they do NOT look fab or hot or cute or anything but flat out crap-tastic when they fit poorly. And for us curvy dames, most jeans fit poorly.

The Lt and I just spent two days trying on MANY pairs of jeans and analysing the fit so I could share with you my jeans-fitting experience of the past weekend, and some things I've learned the hard way*. And by all that I mean: So I can have some great looking new jeans.

First things first. If the legs are tapered, RUN. Run fast and far and most importantly, in the other direction. Tapered leg pants of any kind are your worst enemy. They have the double edge of often being without back pockets, both crimes against humanity. A tapered leg will only emphasize a big booty, and not in a good way; and a rear end without pockets is one broad expanse of uninterrupted butt and panty-line. OK, I'm not condoning flare-legs on everyone, but I beg you: get jeans with back pockets and at least a straight leg, if not a boot cut.

Spend as much as you can afford. The jeans I've fallen in love with, worn the most, and fit the best have all been "investment" jeans. My longest lasting faves: Banana Republics, my newest addition: Lucky Brands. If you happen upon a great pair at Tar-jay, good on you. Not knocking Target, it's my fave store. Just, no luck with jeans there.

Next: discard size. Who really cares if the jeans are size 4/10/16/whatever if you look like a sausage? I had to get over this, it hurt, but now I have some jeans that make me look like one hot little twinkie. First fit issue for CG's: find the size that fits your hips, then thighs. Once you discover that magic number, you have a great starting point as you move from store to store.

Once the hips are covered with close, but not tight!!!, denim, look at your thighs. Are they wrapped tight enough to avoid freezer burn? NO!! Is the fabric smooth against your skin, yet still with enough room to not tell that you haven't shaved your legs in a week? YES!! For my "muscular" thighs, the key to this is ROOM IN THE KNEES. Who knew the knees were so crucial to good jeans? Trust me, a little room in the knees will make your legs look well proportioned and balanced, which will make you look smaller all over. The closeness does the same thing, skim the curves: streamline.

We've got a pair that fit the hips, thighs and knees. Now we move to our private bits. Do you have enough fabric in the crotch to cover a well-endowed Russian? Chuck em. Does the booty gap, sag, suck, or otherwise look crappy? Chuck em. Do you have a gap between your lower back and the jeans? I say, keep looking. But, if it's less than about 2 inches, it can be fixed by a seamstress, just make sure she hides it behind the belt loop. I think more fabric than that might look awkward after alterations.

I had good luck this weekend with Lucky Brand jeans, some Banana Republics (NOT the "trouser cut"), Lane Bryant, and the Gap Curvy Fit wasn't awful. The Lane Bryants were amazing, but too high waisted for my taste. I ended up going with the Lucky's, much to my husband's VISA's chagrin. But, he did compliment me, totally off the cuff, for such a finely clad booty while at Target today.

In other CG dressing news:
-I know Oprah and Tyra have both hit this one recently, but get a good bra. There are not words for what this alone can do for your figure. Hooters rock, let's hold 'em up in style
-Do you want some Knee high boots, but the ones at the mall are too small? This issue has been plaguing me for 2 years now. Want some saucy boots to wear with saucy skirts, and finally found some to fit my super-curvy calves, from DUO boots. Another investment, but they are so hot. I'm saving up right now...

* I am by no means eligible to host "What Not to Wear" But, I did find some awesome jeans this weekend, and learned a lot about flattering my curvy figure vs looking frumpy in loose jeans or skanky in too tight ones.